When a Manager - Employee relationship feels hard

We talk a lot about what a manager-employee relationship should look like. Ideally, it’s honest, supportive, and rooted in mutual respect.

But sometimes… it just isn’t. The relationship can feel tense, frustrating, or draining. In some cases, it can even slip into toxic territory. This article focuses on the relationship itself, not performance issues.

When the relationship feels off, we often see it comes from three different issues. And while every situation is different, we’ll share some steps you can take to start shifting the relationship.

They’re Not a Strong Manager

They don’t provide feedback, so you’re never sure if you’re doing a good job or a bad one. And when they do give feedback, it’s vague, nitpicky, or not meaningful. Add in frequent changes in direction or swings between micromanaging and disappearing, and you’re left unclear on what success really looks like.

👉 Where to begin: Start coaching up. Perhaps they’re new in their leadership journey, or maybe they’ve been able to operate in this manner for a long time. Either way, provide them with feedback. Let them know how they can support you so you can be successful in your role.

Your Values Don’t Align

Even a competent manager can feel challenging to work with when your core values clash. You may value collaboration while they reward competition. You could prioritize purpose while they focus only on performance.

When this happens, it often feels like you’re working toward different finish lines. You may notice more conflict about how things are getting done, not just what’s getting done. It can feel frustrating and discouraging when your values don’t seem to matter or there’s no space to work in a way that reflects them. Over time, this misalignment creates friction in the relationship that can feel personal, even when it isn’t.

👉 Where to begin: Open the conversation and share what matters to you and what matters to them. Discuss how you can both work within your integrity while still working toward the same goal. You don’t need perfect agreement, but you do need enough alignment to work effectively together.

They Trigger You

Sometimes the challenge is not just your manager; it is the reaction they trigger in you. Their tone, a phrase they use, or even their body language can echo a difficult relationship from your past, setting off a strong reaction when interacting with them. In some cases, you might even feel flat out unsafe around them, even if the current situation does not fully warrant that level of response. Unfortunately, this happens a lot more than people think, and it is often one of the hardest dynamics to talk about.

Without realizing it, you slip into protective patterns: shutting down, overexplaining, people pleasing, or getting defensive. You might even start making assumptions about their intentions, assuming criticism, rejection, or conflict before it is actually there. Your brain is quick to protect you. When it notices just enough similarity between this person’s behavior and a past negative pattern, it can interpret it as danger and jump into defense mode. These reactions can feel automatic, but they are not always about what is happening right now. Often they are about something much older that is being activated in the moment.

👉 Where to begin: Get curious about your reactions. Notice what is happening emotionally and physically. Ask yourself: What story am I telling myself about this person? Who do they most remind me of? What part of this is really about now, and what part is from the past? That clarity gives your brain a moment to step out of autopilot and move away from a triggered response.

What If It’s All Three?

It is not common, but it is absolutely possible to experience all three relationship issues at once. For example, we once worked with a client whose newly promoted manager was unclear and inconsistent, did not share their values, and also reminded them of a strained family relationship.

If you are currently experiencing this, we see you and understand how heavy and even hopeless the relationship can feel.

This is the moment to pause and step back. Rather than pushing through on autopilot, give yourself space to reflect:

• What feels the hardest for me in this dynamic?

• How is it affecting my energy, confidence, or well-being?

• What would need to change for this relationship to feel sustainable?

Then take it deeper:

• How much does this role truly mean to me?

• What am I willing to invest emotionally, mentally, and practically to try to shift this dynamic?

• Just as necessary, what am I not willing to sacrifice in the process?

Landing on all three does not have to be a total loss. With good feedback and intentional self-care, you may be able to work through it. But it is also important to be realistic:

• You may not be able to coach your manager up.

• You may not be able to fix a core values misalignment.

• The triggers you are experiencing may require deeper work with a coach or therapist.

Clarity may not solve everything about the relationship, but it can help you see what is yours to try, what boundaries you need, and whether this role is still the right fit for you.